there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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