the condom got lost in my hair
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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