youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
i think my cat just said my name.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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