I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
