I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
