tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
