and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I cut my penus on the lid.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
