Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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