Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
