Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
