he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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