i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
