Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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