If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
