Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
