just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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