I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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