Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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