My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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