bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
