I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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