really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
