like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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