Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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