I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
