How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
