if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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