the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
