Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
