he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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