New invention idea: vibrating tampons
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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