I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
