i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
