i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
