theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
