I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Randomize
