mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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