Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
