I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
