if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
