Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Randomize
