I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
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