Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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