i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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