I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
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