When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
