We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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