So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
