I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
