You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
