At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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