2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
