omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
