Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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