I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
